8th December 2014

Exclusive “FOXY MERKINS” Rejected Review!

posted in News, `Roids |

Here is my review of FOXIE MERKINS which was rejected by the site which assigned it!

The team behind FOXY MERKINS has devised a fool-proof plan to thwart the terrible recent epidemic of film piracy that has befallen THE INTERVIEW,FURY,RETURN TO NUKEM HIGH Vol. 1 and THE EXPENDABLES Vol. Crap,among others.The team behind FOXY MERKINS ( and one of the team members,indeed does sport a huge behind ) have created a movie which nobody will pirate because nobody will want to see it –because it sucks ass–really big fat ass! Even the “Dramaturge” listed in the end credits could not help this Drama Turd. Dear reader,you probs get the point; so don’t feel compelled to keep reading.I am only continuing to write because I am being paid to write about 800 words and addressing you like this uses up more words and gets me closer to my assignment responsibility.

When a big fat lesbionic slacker arrives at New York City,she needs to make some money.She doesn’t become a barrista,wait-person,libraian or a shop clerk or even something slightly believable; no, this unattractive whale of a woman, of course, decides to become a street walker-a street whore for women! The fact that New York City has not had street walkers for years ( and I know about NYC street walkers,trust me) does not matter to the creators of this compost heap….By the way, fittingly, “compost” is one of the themes of this film.I’ll come back to this theme later.

Even more stupid,Marguerite does her hooking on New York’s posh Upper East Side streets…and there are other hookers there,too…and cops never bust them…of course!!

Furthermore,we are supposed to believe that this particular fat whore is irresistible to just about every well dressed woman with whom she comes into contact. FOXY MERKINS seems to suggest that every attractive non-male in The Big Apple wants to fuck a brood sow.

I have been making movies for 50 years. Those of you who have seen my work know that I adore and am fascinated by fat people.They have played action heroes,and villains–lovers and losers in my films. When I saw the first few minutes of FOXY MERKINS,I immediately thought,”wow this might be another GIRLS, featuring a compelling brilliant, hilarious plus-size protagonist!” But I was soon proven very wrong. The double plus-size person in FOXY MERKINS is the first of her kind that I have ever found to be one hundred percent uncompelling and uninteresting.

The plot of FOXY MERKINS makes no sense and basically follows the homeless Marguerite as she and her new found female friend,Jo, wander around town, hooking and indulging in boring and phatic
conversation.

Oh yeah; Fatso is on some kind of mission, we randomly discover,to locate her dead mommy.Meanwhile, she and Jo camp out on the floor of a Port Authority bathroom,which doesn’t look at all like a Port Authority bathroom ( I know Port Authority bathrooms,trust me) They use what look like large pieces of plastic Seran wrap-like drop cloths as blankets and, miraculously, no one ever seems to come into this Port Authority bathroom to disturb them.

Here are some scenes that I suppose the FOXY MERKINS jerkins thought would bring us to uncontrolled laughter …or perhaps pluck at our heart strings—I really can not discern what the nonsensical stupid plot is supposed to make us feel…by now,you surely know how it made me feel!

  1. Marguerite is hired to have sex with a woman who gets off on having cops, who look like film students, interrupt the pleasuring by bursting into her bed room with guns drawn.( If you want to see this kind of thing done properly,please see John G. Avildsen’s hilarious CRY UNCLE)
  2. Marguerite and Jo go to a cemetery,in search of Marguerite’s mother’s grave. They fail to find it,but there,they do run into a merkin salesman with an assortment of merkins for sale,under his raincoat. I guess grave yards are a great place to find merkin customers.Ironically,the merkin pusher is played by one of the featured actors from GIRLS (talk about Yin and Yang).
  3. A scene in which we get to see our heroine naked in all her blubberness .This scene is, however, shot in such an uninspired manner that even the guy who used to work at Troma Entertainment and was a practicing fat fetishist wouldn’t get interested.
  4. More scenes of the two pals waking up in their Seran wrap blankets and blabbing about nothing.
  5. There is a scene in which the two gynos are supposed to be drunk; and the attractive Jo wants to lock lips with Marguerite—or is it the other way around? Who gives a quiff.
  6. Jo, out of the blue, suddenly reveals that she has secretly filmed Marguerite having sex with one of her john-ettes.Her client is a Republican ( an evil one,of course) .The two try to sell the video tape to a CNN executive and of course this CNN exec,logically turns out to be the cemetery merkin salesman/GIRLS actor.

Oy Vey!

As previously mentioned one of the themes running through FOXY MERKINS is something about “compost.” I suppose this is intended to be symbolic and very “deep” film making. But,speaking of compost,let’s finish this review by saying that the cutesy music,sound design,mise-en-scene, yea,this entire movie should be left alone to compost.Perhaps if it is left untouched and unviewed,like mulch,FOXY MERKINS might biodegrade further and somehow magically and miraculously decompose into some kind of marvelous fertilizing entertainment featuring an interesting,compelling large gyno-American, like GIRLS!

Please do not anybody suggest that I am hating this movie because I am homophobic or misogynistic. My films SUGAR COOKIES,TROMEO and JULIET,RETURN TO NUKE’EM HIGH Vol 1 and 2,among others all have lesbian heroines or protagonists.I love lesbians! I love non-males (check out https://www.lloydkaufman.com/roids/2011/12/13/gynophobia-the-blood-ceiling-in-the-world-of-horror/)! And,again,I LOVE FAT PEOPLE!

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