15th September 2000

Big Brother Goes NUTZOID! The Watchdogs Watching You Don’t Want You Watching Back

posted in `Roids |

The conspiritorial ambitions of the corporate, bureaucratic and labor elites!

Unfettered growth is a terrifying thing. Just ask the guy with elephantiasis of the testicles or anybody who fought the gigantic insects of Troma’s movie Bugged and they’ll tell you the same. Or you could ask the labor, bureaucratic, and corporate elites who have been shitting their pants for the last few years over the explosive growth of the very thing you’re using right now: the Internet. It got away from them with frightening speed and now that they’ve realized they’ll never catch up to it, they’re pulling out every dirty trick in the book to cut it off at the legs.


Bend over world!
You’ll get whipped all right,
but it’s coming from an old,
elitist powernazi in a
thousand dollar suit!

You may recall a few years back that the aforementioned Satanic elites tried to work the populace into a lather over kids getting access to naked pictures and instructions for building atomic bombs. They wanted to provoke the public into fearing not just the Internet but the very concept of the free exchange of ideas and information. Their hope was that we would be so terrified about what our children’s tender eyes would be exposed to that we would beg Big Brother to intervene and protect us all from the looming threat of the Internet. But you may have noticed that the barrage of publicity on this subject has stopped. First, parents didn’t appreciate being told how to raise their children. Besides, after living through such genuine obscenities as the Vietnam War, Richard Nixon, and Mariah Carey, nobody really gave the first shit about porn. Then, porn sites realized that they didn’t want kids accessing their site anyway since they couldn’t pay $19.95 a month for it. Finally, all the psychotic kids realized that building a bomb was hard work and it would be much easier for them to go steal Dad’s guns and shoot up the cafeteria the old-fashioned way.

So having failed to curb the growth of the Internet through fear and anger, the cabal of elites is now trying another tactic: fake concern. They’re worried about us. They want to protect our privacy. Clinton and the elites are whining that these dot-coms are popping up all over the place, collecting reams of information about us, and doing Lord knows what with it.

I’ve always known that the people in power think we, the people who are paying their salaries, are stupid. Maybe we are, since they’re staying in luxury hotels and flying first class while we’re cramming thirty-eight people into a tiny apartment in Cannes. But we aren’t completely fucking brain-dead. Since when did the government and the media billionaires become so worried about our privacy? Every magazine to which we subscribe sells our information to whoever wants it, even if we tell them not to. Credit card companies do the same thing. If you put some slight variation of your name on a credit card, say add or delete an initial, you can see that variation repeated on the junk mail you receive and know exactly where that junk mail company bought your information. Worried about buying something over the net? What difference is there between buying something online and giving your credit card to a waiter in a restaurant or calling a 900 number or hiring a hooker or two on a Saturday night? If these people really wanted your account number, they could write everything down while they’ve got your card in their hot little hands.


Terri Firmer demonstates
the position of the future!

Meanwhile, what is the government doing about privacy? They’re sending census takers to harass my 80-year-old mother in the middle of the night, demanding to know how much money she makes and whether or not she enjoys indoor plumbing. They’ve got the FBI and CIA obsessing over every detail of Martin Luther King’s sex life, even today. And the government seems to think that drivers’ licenses are a good idea and who knows how much information is stored on that little magnetic stripe?

The labor, bureaucratic, and corporate elites care as much about your privacy as they do for a dry fart . Privacy is violated a thousand different ways every day in this country by scores of companies and a blind eye is turned to it each and every time. This new concern over on-line privacy is completely and utterly hypocritical. The only conclusion to be drawn is that it isn’t our privacy they’re worried about, but their own. Before the Internet came along, they had their ass in a tub of butter, as my father used to say, and they could do whatever they wanted. They could vote themselves into office, cut themselves nice kickbacks out of our tax money, wallow at the public trough, and enjoy the run of the country without anyone being able to discover it. And with all this power, they were able to peer down our throats, up our assholes, and inside every other orifice they could think of. But now the tables are turned.

We are now able to sort through their shit the same way they do with us. The Internet makes it virtually impossible for them to disseminate and dissemble information as they once did. Now, anyone can go online and discover the unpublicized fact that Clinton has issued more executive orders than any other President in U.S. history. Today, when a conglomerate issues a faulty product, that fault can be discovered and publicized and the company can be held accountable. A while back, for instance, Intel introduced some piece of new technology (possibly the Pentium chip) and a number of people went on-line to point out that it was defective. As I recall, Intel denied it and issued statement after statement trying to stop the rumors. Turns out that the rumors were true. The chip, or whatever it was, really was defective and the people online refused to stop saying so, ultimately forcing Intel to recall and correct the problem. The Internet allowed people who were stuck with this faulty technology to quickly discover they were not alone and band together to combat the huge conglomerate. Back in the 1970s, it took Ralph Nader years of litigation to prove that thousands of people were being immolated by Pintos. If the Internet had existed back then, those years could have become weeks and who knows how many lives might have been saved.


If only the corporate boot
were this luscious…

Big Brother is coming, let there be no doubt of that. Busses are cruising Manhattan with billboards promoting CBS’ new TV show Big Brother. People are becoming used to the phrase, looking forward to the program’s arrival. Orwell’s warning is being de-fanged before our very eyes, as Big Brother is turned into another harmless TV personality. But the threat still exists and the warning continues to have resonance. In England, a bill currently making its way through Parliament would grant the government the rights to monitor ALL online activities. The bill is ostensibly to fight terrorism, drug-trafficking, and pedophilia…all crimes that exist off-line as well as on. If we aren’t willing to give up our right to privacy in the real world war against crime, why should we be expected to do so in cyberspace?

The conspiracy of elites is desperate to perch on our shoulders while we surf the net. The Internet represents the single greatest threat they have ever faced, so it makes perfect sense for them to fear it. For them to have a hope in hell of stopping it, they have to make us fear it, too. And that just isn’t happening. People who use and understand the Internet best oppose regulation. It’s not just impractical. It’s counter-productive to the spirit of progress and innovation that created not just the Internet, but the very land we live in. Jefferson and Franklin believed in the necessity of a free press to keep the populace informed about what their elected leaders were doing. The Internet is the ultimate expression of that ideal. It is imperative that free speech remains free, not silenced by the stranglehold of “privacy”.

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