1st October 2000

Goin… Goin… GONE-zalez! Elian Gonzalez and the fetishism of the American media

posted in `Roids |

By Lloyd Kaufman with Adam Jahnke

The Associated Press is allegedly cracking down on people using the already famous picture of Elian being abducted by the FBI by gunpoint.. The Troma research department however, has come up with this early shot of Elian back in Cuba learning history the Castro way.


BREAKING NEWS! Recently, the world received proof positive that President Bill Clinton is a Troma fan. Taking inspiration from the final moments of Troma’s Beware Children At Play, federal agents burst into the home of Elian Gonzalez’s drunken distant relatives, pointed a gun in the boy’s face, and vanished into the Miami morning with the kid in tow. The Troma Team applauds this use of riot gear and assault weapons in the care and handling of a small child. We hope to see more of it as we get farther into the 21st Century. The Troma Team has been struck dumb (well, let’s be honest, dumber) by the misrepresentation of facts in this so-called “story”.

The Time/Warner/GE International Newsmaking Machine perpetrates these errors to distract the world while events of real importance slip past under the radar. It is a little-known, and obviously suppressed fact that little Elian bravely swam to this country with one goal in mind: to see Troma’s Terror Firmer. Elian, we salute you and all the other courageous Troma fans around the world that risk life and limb in their pursuit of truly independent cinema.

(since Lloyd’s ramblings
are so boring and pretentious,
we’ve decided to stick a
few lesbo shots in the mix)

It is simply unbelievable that the heart-tugging plight of this wee munchkin has been jammed down our collective throats like a wad of Hostess Twinkies. One cannot open a magazine, turn on a TV screen, or surf the web without being assaulted by images of the little doe-eyed bastard at play. The way TV news turns these poor kids into fetish objects borders on child pornography. We’re supposed to believe that Elian’s pondering forces beyond his control. Just like how we were supposed to believe that the child beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey was just another little girl who hadn’t been damaged in the least by being made up to look like the most expensive whore in the 3rd grade.

Instead of glamorizing the fuckable young pre-teens, the media should be reporting on the fact that 15% of kids in this country go to bed hungry every night. Sure, that statistic gets trotted out for a guilt piece every Thanksgiving, the one night of the year these kids actually get a free hot meal, but it’s completely ignored when it isn’t the holiday season. How ’bout the millions of kiddies in Africa who die of starvation and dismemberment every year? Our elitist labor leaders won’t ever let us give the tiny African textile industries the same trading advantages that our government gives to every elitist (white) generalissimo. Even that crumb we begrudge to African kids.

Ask yourself this, Tromites: Do you honestly think our TV networks give a wet fart about what happens to Cuban Boy? The answer to that one is pretty obvious, so chew on this. Would we have been introduced to l’il Elian if he was black? Of course not. Custody battles on that side of the color line don’t play nearly as well in prime time.

You may have seen the ads lately for NBC’s latest soundtrack album (and, as an afterthought, TV miniseries) The 70s. The key event that kicks the show off is reportedly the shootings at Kent State. This makes sense from NBC’s viewpoint, because Kent State is the popular, brand-name massacre with photogenic white faces lying face down on the ground. Odds are that the network isn’t going to mention the concurrent shootings at Jackson State* , Orangeburg College, Southern University, The University of Kansas, North Carolina A&T, The University of Wisconsin and the University of California at Santa Barbara. You’ve got a higher body count at these other schools, but most of the victims were unfashionably dark complexioned.

But give the networks a cute little moppet that’s just the right color, a horny mother who endangers her kid’s life by dragging his ass across open sea on a raft, and a dad whose only problem seems to be that he wants to live in a country that Americans are supposed to hate and fear, and you’ve got copy! You don’t hear them reporting on how many black kids were shipped in dog cages back to Haiti, Africa, and other ports of call during the exact same time l’il Elian has been wearing sexy gold chains, playing on carousels, and learning to love Mickey Mouse.

It’s interesting to note that while all this is going on, Cuba has been hosting a summit meeting of poor nations to discuss that cabal of the rich, the World Trade Organization (Whose evils Troma was on to long before Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins made it fashionable to despise them. See our essay dated in the archives of this very section.). Even U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan flew down to Havana and agreed that the rich white countries and the W.T.O. are tossing the salad of each and every one of these 133 countries. It’s very likely that you didn’t know about this summit, but I’ll bet you know the approximate time and consistency of l’il Elian’s last bowel movement, even if you didn’t even expend any effort finding out.

If any good can come out of the sad case of l’il Elian, it’s this. It seems to be forcing Bill Clinton and Fidel Castro to find common ground beyond their mutual love of cigars. Despite years of American sanctions and blockades, Cuba has still managed to achieve some astonishing medical breakthroughs and may have a higher literacy rate than the U S of A. Castro is not a genocidal maniac like those we’ve supported in Chile, Guatemala, Argentina and elsewhere. It’s past time for the Cold War between our two countries to end. Maybe Bill can round up a few White House interns and show Fidel the ingenious uses we have for cigars in America. In the meantime, the sad case of l’il Elian is far from over.

So what are we to do about it? We at Troma would like to endorse the Biblical solution proposed by Solomon. Let’s cut the boy in half. Maybe dad can cart the legs back to Cuba and the American relatives can hang on to the upper half so Elian can watch all the Troma movies he so desperately wants to see. Or perhaps they can slice him length-wise right up the middle. Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD is on call 24 hours a day, ready to assist the courts in implementing our brilliant solution.

* Not to be confused with “Michael Jackson State”, which allegedly has its own interesting views on child

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