26th March 2009

2009: A Beard Odyssey

posted in `Roids |

This past weekend my talented assistant, Matt, and I were in attendance for the New York Beard and Moustache Championships (or NYBMC) in the hipster-ridden Brooklyn neighborhood of Williamsburg. This was a mere preview for the World Beard and Moustache Championships which, as everyone knows, will take place in Anchorage in May. The New York Beard and Moustache Championships, a Mecca for the face fuzz-loving of the world. Tonight I am a seaman in an ocean of facial hair. So many quivering bodies, thick moustaches, heavy beards – it brings me back to my days as a Village People groupie. At one time, yours truly sported a beard that would have made Grizzly Adams quake in his boots. A great, wondrous beard that was the envy of every roller-blading boy in Chelsea. But those days have long since passed.

When I got word of this exciting event, I had to see what new blood had arrived on the facial hair scene. But as the endless parade of sweaty, oiled-up man meat and facial hair wore on in that cramped bar that Saturday night, a disturbing trend appeared – ALL MEN, NO GYNOS. How outrageous! Truly sexism at its worst. There was not one non-male contestant in the NYBMC. In these very modern times where we have such purveyors of delicate femininity as Hillary Clinton and Rachel Maddow, the bearded boys of New York should be ashamed of themselves. For one , the NYBMC could take a cue from such prestigious organizations as the DGA who have broken down sex barriers, skyrocketing from a 1% female membership in 1970 to 1.35% gyno as of 2008 (note: this percentage does not include Penny Marshall). It is high time for women to penetrate the hymen of the “hairy ceiling” that has grown at these beard and moustache competitions across the U.S. and, I fear, the world at large. Hell, even the Pythons in The Life of Brian had women with beards playing men, and that was 30 years ago! The time has come, gynos! Picket your waxing and electrolysis stations! Throw out your Bics and trade in your bleach for a moustache comb. On to Alaska!

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